 When a client comes to me feeling bad about themselves because they were rejected I like to startle them with a question, “Well, are you psychic?” Because unless they’re psychic they won’t know the REAL reason they were rejected.
We all like to think we can mind-read; they think I’m unattractive, annoying, a loser, they don’t like me because I’m too THIS or I’m not enough THAT. But one thing is common – these are all ASSUMPTIONS. And when it comes to rejection, we usually make assumptions that make us feel worse.
Of course there are ALL sorts of reasons we get rejected or turned down. Maybe we were rejected because someone was tired and wanted to stay home. Or they’re stressed and can’t give us the benefit of the doubt today. Maybe they’re jaded and find your enthusiasm a painful reminder of how they used to be. Maybe they feel threatened by us and prefer the company of someone less challenging for them. Maybe they DON’T find us attractive. Maybe they’re incapable of reading between the lines and/or giving us the job based on our capacity to learn rather than our experience. But whatever it is, it’s all about the OTHER person, what they think and feel. The rejection is never about us.
Remember that time you didn’t hear back from someone, and you thought they didn’t like you or that you’d upset them? Then remember how it turned out they were away, had some family crisis, lost your number or never got your email because their computer crashed?
So, when you notice your clients making negative assumptions (also known as mind-reading) when it comes to WHY they were rejected, ask them, “How do you KNOW that to be true? What PROOF do you have? (and ask this kindly) Are you Psychic?”
Then if they INSIST on making assumptions, why not suggest they find a REFRAME and make their assumptions POSITIVE. After all, if you’re going to make assumptions, why NOT make them to our advantage? How about I got rejected because:
- I am too gorgeous, I am too much fun, I’m over-qualified, I am clearly too helpful for that organization!
IN SUMMARY: As a coach, it’s our job to spot when our client is making assumptions and draw this to their attention. Then, if they insist on making assumptions, why not help them have some fun with it and assume the best?
“I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I’ve written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.” Shirley MacLaine
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 For me, one of the things that makes handling rejection difficult is the seemingly hardwired link between rejection and our sense of self. In other words, when people feel rejected they allow it to negatively affect how they see themselves.
We are brought up to live by other’s rules – in the home, at school, at work. We’re encouraged to fit in and do as we’re told – and that means paying a lot of attention to what others think. We’re not encouraged to develop our own beliefs – or a strong sense of self. So, when we get rejected it’s easy to see how it makes us less confident in, and more uncertain about, ourselves.
And this is where coaching comes in. We help people rebuild their sense of self - to know, understand and esteem themselves. Then, when a rejection comes along, our clients are more likely to take it in their stride.
Because rejection actually has nothing to do with us. It’s all about the other person: We or what we’re offering doesn’t fit what they’re looking for in that moment. That’s all.
Yes, we may have wanted to be accepted, to be chosen. We feel disappointment. But that doesn’t make us a reject. When we allow ourselves to feel rejected - we’ve given all our power to the other person. No-one can make us feel rejected without our permission…
So, what’s the answer? Well, if we had a strong sense of self-worth and who we are, rejection would just be a blip. A rejection might cause us to stop and re-evaluate, but it would not deter or prevent us from moving forwards.
A friend of mine, who moved to Canada 15 years ago got tired of constantly being asked in job interviews what ‘Canadian experience’ she had. One day she turned round and said, “If no-one gives me a job I won’t HAVE any Canadian experience.” She said “No” to their rejection. And yes, they hired her.
So, help your clients maintain their self-esteem and self-belief. Help them see that the link they create between being rejected and BEING a reject is what causes their suffering. Instead help them choose a different path. Help them focus on what THEY feel (eg. disappointment) instead of what OTHERS have done to – or think of – us.
There are so many people out there. There will always be people who don’t see our sparkling contribution to the world. AND there will always be someone interested in us and what we have to offer – we just need to go out and find them!
YOU are the same you after 1 or 100 Rejections. REMEMBER: Say NO to Rejection and Esteem Your Self!
“You are big enough to face rejection and your fear of failure because you don’t take it personally. If anything, you risk even more. You know that while you may be disappointed if you fail, you are doomed if you don’t try. This is the price to be paid for living a bigger life. When you believe in yourself, anything is possible.” Fiona Harrold
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 Why the big deal with rejection? If you think about it, when someone is rejected nothing actually changes: Before your client asked someone out they had no date, and after they have been ‘rejected’ they still have no date.
As coaches, we know the power of perception and belief, but many of our clients do not. Over the years I have come to deeply realize that what ultimately drives us is not logic or ‘reality’ – but how we think and feel about things. Even what’s right in front of our eyes is interpreted according to our beliefs about ourselves and the world.
Reframing is a great coaching tool to ‘pull the rug out’ from under our clients and help them see that it’s their thoughts – and not the situation – that’s making them suffer. Here are 5 reframes – a new way of looking at the situation:
- Ask your client, “What has actually changed before and after your Rejection”? Of course it’s a trick question, nothing has changed – except that our brains make a big deal about it. Rejection doesn’t actually exist – except in our minds.
- Just say, “Next!” Jack Canfield’s wildly successful book “Chicken Soup for the Soul” (also a TV series) was rejected by 144 publishers before finally being accepted. Walt Disney apparently lost his job at a newspaper because his editor accused him of “having no good ideas.” People are the same after 1 or 100 Rejections!
- Remind your clients that Rejection is simply the asking price for living a richer life! If clients are working with you it means they already want more from life. So, while they may feel disappointed after a rejection, there is something much worse than receiving a rejection – not to have tried.
- Ask your client, “How would you feel if you weren’t attached to the outcome?” We feel ‘rejection’ when it’s something we really want, but if it’s something we don’t want we feel less ‘rejection’ – and may even feel relief or pleasure! Ask them to imagine they’re terrified of heights and are NOT picked to join someone doing a parachute jump – would they still feel rejected?
- NB. Just because your client feels rejected does not mean they are ‘a reject’. Ie. just because we FEEL it does NOT make it true! This is a fabulous reframe and jump-off point for clients to learn more about their thoughts, feelings and (limiting) beliefs with you.
So remember: It’s not the rejection itself that hurts, what hurts is the beliefs we have around it – and the stories we then tell ourselves!
Watch out for: Sometimes, to really help your clients move forwards from a rejection and let go, it’s important to dig into how they FEEL. If your client is struggling to deal with the intense emotions that come with rejection, you may need to explore feelings and underlying beliefs further before reframing or moving them into action will make a difference.
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 Now I know I said that asking clients to “pick” values from a list – often leads to people choosing what I call “SHOULD Values” – the ones they think they should have…
But there are still times when a list of values can come in really handy. So here are the “Top 73 Values” from my store of coaching resources.
73 Examples of Values:
The list below is great to give people ideas but remember – it’s NOT a checklist. Values are UNIQUE to each of us and there is no right or wrong – only who WE are!
- Accomplishment
- Accuracy
- Acknowledgement
- Adventure
- Authenticity
- Beauty
- Calm
- Collaboration
- Community
- Compassion
- Comradeship
- Confidence
- Connectedness
- Contentment
- Contribution
- Cooperation
- Courage
- Creativity
- Curiosity
- Determination
- Directness
- Discovery
- Ease
- Effortlessness
- Empowerment
- Enthusiasm
- Environment
- Excellence
- Focus
- Freedom
- Friendship
- Fun
- Generosity
- Gentleness
- Growth
- Happiness
- Harmony
- Health
- Helpfulness
- Honesty
- Humour
- Idealism
- Independence
- Integrity
- Joy
- Kindness
- Learning
- Love
- Loyalty
- Orderliness
- Participation
- Partnership
- Passion
- Patience
- Peace
- Productivity
- Recognition
- Respect
- Romance
- Self-Esteem
- Service
- Simplicity
- Spirituality
- Spontaneity
- Strength
- Tact
- Thankfulness
- Tolerance
- Tradition
- Trust
- Understanding
- Unity
- Vitality
Helping our clients identify their values is a powerful coaching tool to help them create a life with meaning and value – it helps our clients realise what’s truly important for them.
If you do, or would like to do, values work with your clients you may also like our other resources on Values and Values Identification:
- *Free* Coaching Tool – 89 Example Values – to share with your clients.
- How to IDENTIFY a Client’s Values - a simple 3 step process
- 7 Top QUESTIONS to Help Identify a Client’s Values - please comment & add yours to the list!
- How to PRIORITISE a Client’s Values - a powerful, tried and tested method.
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 I’ll start by saying that this process is easier to DO than describe but don’t let that put you off! My clients have had really powerful results - and great Aha! moments with this coaching exercise.
Let’s start with the MOST IMPORTANT part!
DON’T ask which value is most important. INSTEAD ask which value they could not be WITHOUT!
This FORCES a true preference rather than getting people caught up in ‘shoulds’. So, just imagining it’s possible for a moment, if you could:
1) ONLY have FUN/HAPPINESS for the rest of your life but NO HONESTY/INTEGRITY
or
2) ONLY have HONESTY/INTEGRITY but NO FUN/HAPPINESS
Which would YOU choose?
Often clients will put what I call “SHOULD Values” – like honesty, loyalty, respect, security at the top of their lists. Doing the prioritization the way described in this article gets people away from “SHOULD Values” and moves them into what’s truly important (love, happiness, fun etc).
Using this method, when a client says, “I’ll pick honesty over love.” I challenge them. “Really? No love for the REST of your life?”
Once I had a client who insisted that honesty was more important than love – even after pondering it as homework. So, we explored it further – and it boiled down to this – she was not being honest or reliable with her friends and family and it had been eating away at her. This realisation moved her into a space of honouring her commitments, saying no when she needed to and phoning in advance of no-shows.
So, I’ve had a lot of fun with this process – now let’s give you the full details. Ask your clients to:
- Roughly prioritise their value lists by simply looking at it (QUICKLY – a 2 minute job!)
- Then take the first item on their list and compare it to the second item. Ask “If you had to choose between having A and NOT B, or having B and NOT A – which would it be?”
- If A wins, compare A to the next item on your list and Ask “Would I rather have A and NOT C, or C and NOT A?”
- Keep going until an item beats A. If an item (say D) beats A – continue the process using the new ‘most important’ value of D.
- Then keep going down the list with from where A got to (if A beat all the items above then D will too).
- Repeat until you have an order for your values.
FOR EXAMPLE - If the top two items on ‘your’ list are happiness and success:
- If you had to choose between having:
a. Happiness and NO Success
b. Success and NO Happiness Which would you choose?
- So, now take the item which ‘wins’, say Happiness.
- Test Happiness against the next item on your list and keep going until another item ‘beats’ Happiness.
- If nothing else beats Happiness, then Happiness is your no. 1 value.
- If another item beats Happiness, continue down the list with the new item until something else beats the new item.
I said it was complicated to explain - and easier to do. And now all that’s left is for you to try this coaching tool on yourself and experience the powerful difference!
You may also like our other resources on Values and Values Identification:
- *Free* Coaching Tool – 89 Example Values – to share with your clients.
- How to IDENTIFY a Client’s Values - a simple 3 step process
- 7 Top QUESTIONS to Help Identify a Client’s Values - please comment & add yours to the list!
- List of 73 Top SAMPLE Values - to help you and your clients get started!
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and share with your friends and colleagues!
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When a client comes to me feeling bad about themselves because they were rejected I like to startle them with a question, “Well, are you psychic?” Because unless they’re psychic they won’t know the REAL reason they were rejected.
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